so i have been here in a minute!
so i dont feel like i have updated in a minute! well really nothing has really happened. well kyle and i are back together but i think that was already established. yes i am very happy with the desicion I have made. no one else. this is my life and i love him. i am not going to listen to anyone ever again about him. if they start talking shit then fuck them i am goin to tell them to shut the hell up... and i have. it feels great or i will tell them everyone has their opion but that one doesnt always work because they just keep talkin shit about him. i fuck hate the army sometimes. people think oh "these soldiers are so mature and brave to be signing up for war" but hahaha ok the army is nothing but a hugh ass high school. everyone talks shit and that is all they do everyone knows all your shit way before you know it like when i found out i was pregnant fuck reed ran and told everyone before kyle knew and he even fucking called his ma and told her before you got it before kyle even knew. asshole oh but he isnt the only one oh no. everyone expects you to think they was you do and all that shit... yea well i am doing a baby regristry and haha i am having way too much fun with that. so i will talk to yall tomorrow!
<3 em
so i dont think kyle really gives a shit. he got his article 15 on friday and he is now an E1 and on 45/45. they will take his money if he fucks up again in 90 days. and i have a feeling he is going to. which means a hellva alot less money for the baby things we HAVE to get. they are leaving for the field today and they were on the basketball court and i was in my room. i heard godsey yell at him and start smoking him. i dont get it. why cant he think of the baby. it is all about the baby now. it isnt about me it isnt about him. what we dont doesnt just affect ourselves anymore. we have a child coming into this world and there he is laughin while he is getting smoked. he doesnt get it i dont think. yea he realizes that we are having a child but he wasnt there for ashleys prenancy. so he doesnt realize how much goes into having a baby. i just wish he would grow up and realize but haha i doubt that.
i am better at fucking things up rather than making them better when i talk!
I just feel like I cant do anything right. I want to be with two guys. Does that make me a whore. I think so. I love kyle. I want to be with him because I love him, he makes me happy, for the baby’s sake. I like CJ A LOT! HE makes me happy, I love being with him. I have heard my life don’t leave someone you love for someone you like because the person you like will leave you for the person they love. I believe that but like everything in this world… its easier said than done. I mean I need and should be with kyle. Not to mention that I want to be with him but that doesn’t really help the situation much. I am just sick of everyone talking shit. I just wish they would leave it to themselves. I take what people say to heart way too much.
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ok so i was rather upset when i wrote that late last nigh so if it doesnt really make sense i am so sorry. let me explain the cj/ kyle situation. like i said before i love kyle and want to be with him. but it is so hard for me to trust what he says. he says he loves me but i dont feel that. cj is an amzing guy. i really care about him. as much as i dont want to like either one of these guys i do. i dont want to like kyle because of our past and i dont want to like cj because i think he was WAY too go for me. he is gorgeous he knows what he wants and who he is, he is squared away, he is a good soldier, he is... just perfect. yes he is an asshole to ALOT of people but not to me and the people he cares about like dan and well someothers. he makes me feel so special. he treats me so much better than kyle ever did. he is just way to good for me and if you dont think so then put this one in your pocket. i dont deserve him. he knows who he is and what he wants like i have stated before. me i dont know any of that. i just dont feel i deserve to even have him in my life sometimes. you may all be thinking oh he IS amazing why are you with him. well cj is still married and i cant do that. i am not going there never have never will. kyle... kyle... kyle is what i feel i deserve. he is a piece of shit i feel and that is what i deserve. i had a great guy in the past and i just let him go and i was a piece of shit while i was with him. i dont deserve anything better than what i am. i really am a piece of shit. so i think i have figured it out. i am destined to be with a pos and that is kyle. i should just marry him and spend the rest of out pos lives together. wow that waseasier than i thought. well i have to blow dry my hair i will talk to you later.
<3 red
i yet again fucked up! i always do this. i brake up with someone and then become close with them too soon and get fucked. well kyle wants/ wanted to be friends and i was a complete bitch to him. now i feel he wants nothing to do with me nor the baby at that matter. AHHHH... i just really want to go home more than anyone knows. yea i wanna run away from this problem. Why cant i get the balls like he did and just go home? gaaaaaaa..... i dont know. i will write more later tonight believe me but right now rich needs to get on here and look tabs up for his gig tomorrow! I WANNA GO HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<3 red
random thoughts from my head to the page... they are from the past few months.
12/10/2007
So I just got done with the pt test that I had no clue about until about 0555 this morning when Maynard asked me if I was taking it. Well I didn’t find I was taking it until I was called out of pt formation to go upstairs and start stretching out. Great huh. Yea I know it really isn’t any excuse but it just really makes me wonder if I would have maybe done any better if I had slept at all last night. Yea no sleep at all last night. Great huh. So I maybe going home soon than I thought. How great would that be. Dishonorable discharge because I cant pass my fucking run. Why cant I push myself. Why cant I just do it like everyone else. Where is my heart at. I want to be here. I just don’t get it. I try to push myself but it just is never enough I am so sick of it. God damn it I don’t want to go home. How do I find my heart. So that is two failed pt tests down and one more to go and my ass is out. Great! I cant wait!
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12/8/2007
I wanna go home more than I think anyone could ever know. Right is a moment I just really need to bed in bed with jug and having one of our amazing so easy to understand conversations. What the hell did I do I find myself asking again. This time is not because of my job but because of my family back home. I miss home so so so so much. I just wanna talk to someone back home. No I NEED to talk to someone back home. I cant believe I am gonna be away for Christmas. I really really do believe I made a HUGE mistake coming active. I always knew I was too family orentied to do this. I thought I could learn to adjust and for the most part I have but when it comes to calling home its just to damn hard I wanna cry every time I hear kealey’s little baby voice and I hate so much that I am missing so much back home. Kealey growing up and the boys. I just hate that I have no one hear like Jordan to talk to. I keep finding myself searching for someone like her but I realize it is pointless and I should just give up. I wanna go home so bad. Everything I hated back home I find myself missing. I cant believe I did this and I don’t mean that is a good way at all. This is a great opportunity yet I hate it. I am in germany for christ sake. I always thought the army was amazing but yet again I was wrong. I just wanna have someone from home talk to me. I don’t care about what just anything just to hear their voice again. Oh my god I need that so bad but I cant I hate that. I should never done this. I cant wait for my three years to be over so I can go home for good. I cant be away for any longer. I have been here for 5 months and listen to me. The one thing I was 110% sure about and I just shoved it outta the way for something I thought was better. I should have never left my family like that. At times like this I find my self thinking about aunt. What would she have thought about all this. I can tell you this if she were still alive I would have never left. God I wish she were here right now. Everyone talks about her but it still kills me inside to talk about her. Why did she have to go she was suppose to be old and seem all over her grandbabies getting married. Why did she leave why did god think it was her time I don’t get it. I just don’t understand. God damn it I need to go home. But I wonder if that would be a good idea to go home on leave. I would just leave and then what nothing more but to be back there. God damn I hate feeling like this. But I just think of everyone back home and I just don’t know. It just happens. It is hard because I just cant stop thinking about them and forget them they are my family. God damn I really wish aunt were here right now. Why isn’t she I will never understand that. It really pisses me off to think about it. She had so much more to see. She had everything. Hum… I really wish I could get a hold of someone. I hate this feeling. This sick to your stomach don’t know what to do about it. Yea no idea. I also find myself thinking so much of tyler. I don’t get that one at all. I mean yea I understand that he was my first love and all but I mean come on. Why do I have to think about him so much. I mean is it normal to wonder what it would have been to be married right now. Would we have started the family we wanted? Where would we be right now? I miss him. He knew me so well and he could be across the room and just come and hug me because he knew I was upset set or that I wanted to be near him. I find it really hard to be with a guy because I get upset when they don’t do that. I hate it. I miss tyler like crazy and then again I hate him for fucking up and causing us not to get married. I say he was such a bad guy but damn it he made a mistake. I have made many in my short life and look people have forgiven me right, if not completely the have gotten over it to the point where we are normal. I must have done something really fucked up to piss him off because now he wont even talk to me. I have messaged him and messaged him and nothing. I don’t know if it is brandy’s doing or if I just did something wrong I don’t know. I wish I could go back like four months ago. I miss that so much. I mean I wish I could back a long time before that but I am here and this is what I wish could happen. Everything just sorta feel into place. I had a amazing person I could just talk to about everything and anything and they would just sit there and listen and then put in their two cents when right. Their hugs were amazing and comforting. I miss that. I fucked up and it is sort of getting back to where it is so werid to be around them but it has completely gotten back to normal. I just really really really really need to go home for at least one night and two days. The days I would spend at home and the night I would spend a Jordans for one of out liule nights. Damn it I want to sleep but I have so much to say and no one to say it to. I have always been to sort of person that keeps EVERYTHING bottled inside until I just cant take it anymore and then things just exploded and then there is no stopping them. Believe me I have tried. So here I sit typing almost everything I wanna say. ALMOST everything!!!! I wish I could just write what I am feeling again I havent written anything for so long it sort of feels unknown to me now. Another thing I dislike. I am finding a lot of that here. But isn’t that one reason I came here for. I do believe so. I came to find who I am and what I BELIEVE in. but I am just falling back into the same old routine of following instead of leading. I sometimes have a shit load of confidence and self esteem but then again there are times where ha I don’t know anything about myself who I am because I am not finding it. I should have never gone home after ait or I shouldn’t have stayed there as long as I did. I miss how confident and how much self esteem I had in ait. I thought I seriously was the shit. No no not in a bad sorta of way but I didn’t give a shit about anything except the people who I knew cared about me. I guess that is where I get fucked up and over here. I want to be that person again so bad that I trust to quickly and jump without thinking. I don’t understand why I am like that. I wish I could figure it out and another thing. I just wish I could tell people how I am feeling and not hold everything in. like tonight and well its been a minute. But I am “chillin” with someone and we are completely doing the whole couple thing to what the standards (sorta) of what I think a relationship is. PDA, intimacy, spending pretty much every moment together. You know. People are always asking me what is goin on with this guy. I care about him so much but sometimes I just don’t understand this “relationship” at all. I mean if you care about someone as much as you say and you spend pretty much all of your free time with this person then why not just be together. Unless you a) don’t care about this person in that way b) after a long relationship you just wanna play the field (but what I don’t get there is if you just want to play the field why start anything this serious with someone else. I fucking don’t understand if.) I understand it has to maybe do with the trust and not wanting to get fucked over thing but I mean come on again don’t start something you arent sure about. I know I know no one is ever 100 % sure about anything once you meet someone but I mean why jump into it. I don’t get it. Another thing I don’t get is why said person would leave the person they care alone to go talk to other people like someone did tonight. I think I am goin to go to the park and just walk by myself. I need to think some shit out tomorrow before I have to go to cq. Oh joy!!!! Not!
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12/14/2007
I am so over never being able to call home. I am so fucking sick of it. I buy a phone card and the damn thing doesn’t fucking work. Great huh yea no. now I am sitting here at fucking staff duty where I have been answering phones for like three hours by myself when there should be a sgt (another story I will tell you later) and well these phone calls are from Iraq or where ever and they are calling home. GREAT that they get to get through. Bitches. I understand it is a little ok a lot harder down range but Jesus Christ I want to talk to my family just as much. I need to talk to my family just as much.
The sgt I am SUPPOSE TO be on staff duty with left like three hours ago. Just to run home really quick. Yea really quick my ass! God damn all this sgt does is fucking shame out the ass. All I want to fucking do is go up my room and just fucking chill. I am so over this fucking joint. Like I fucking say all the time is I WANT TO GO HOME.
Oh here is some good news. My last two pt test weren’t record pt test so if I pass this next one which I am pretty confident about I will get my fucking passes back (not like I really go anywhere anyhow but still) and I will get promoted. I just want this stupid ass shift to be over with and I want to get a hold of Jordan. I just feel like I have to talk to her.
Ahhhh this shit is driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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12/9/2007
Every moment we are apart
My heart longs to be next to you
When we are together
My hearts skips a beat
I don’t know what it is about you
Your amazing sense of humor
Or your amazing way to make me smile
No matter how bad my day has been
I love when I look through my peep hole
And I see you standing there.
I just want to swing the door open and
Throw my arms around you
And never let go
It’s the way you make me feel
Its crazier than anything I have ever felt
It is greater than any other feeling ever
After a long day at work
I open the door and there you are
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9/22/2007
So here I sit on my first CQ duty since I have arrived in Mannheim, Germany. I arrived here on 7th July 2007. The plane ride over here was crazy and very long. I miss the people I came here with. I have meet some pretty cool people while I have been here. The sad part is the one I like to see is leaving in 5 days to go West Point. He will be there for a year and then he is coming back here. But a year is a very long time. So much can change in that amount of time. Hell a lot can change is a second. Take a few weekends for example. I had no idea someone felt the same as I did. I was pissed because I was nothing but a “booty call” to this boy. That broke my heart and every time I see him it breaks my heart. It drives me crazy. Well anyhow back to the point. I went to this friend of mine and left with him. Well yea I left with him but I found out while sitting in my brothers room that well that whole booty call thing was not true. I ruined any chance I had with this beautiful boy. Things seems like they are going back to the way they were and then he does a complete 360 and starts talking about German girls and wanting to hook up with other females. I hate it I cant stand it. It yet again breaks my heart. I cant get him out of my mind. This would have been avoided if boy #1 told me how he truly felt from the beginning. But I am in too far with boy #2. I hate it. All I want is a relationship with this boy #2. I am hearing one thing and seeing another. I have been told by three people that he still likes me but as stated before I don’t see that from him. What is wrong with me? Why cant I just get over him like he got over me so quickly. I found myself sitting in the backseat of his car looking at him in the review mirror. Sort of stalkerish yes I know but I don’t know what it is I cant help but look at him and I wonder if he looks at me like that. I just wish I knew the truth. There is asking him but damn it he has already told me he doesn’t like me anymore. Grrr… I just don’t know what to do in this situation that I have put myself in and I don’t know how to get out of it. I wish someone could just tell what to do and how to win him back. I just don’t know. I have never been in a situation that I have messed up this bad before. I don’t like it one bit. Grrr… back home I would have never down what I did. There is no way. But I guess I did what I did because I am changing. I am too. I really am because the night this happened I wasn’t going to just let him walk away and not talk to me. I was going to tell him how I felt and why I did what I did. Well you can tell how that went yea. I was willing to fight for him. I still am willing to fight for him. I think I am making it clear that I want it to be as it was in the beginning but that’s all it is is but. I just don’t know. Ahhh I just wish there was someone here that would just tell me straight up. I wish that if a boy liked me he would just straight up tell me. Just that easy. I hate it I really do because I am really shy when it comes to these thing and well that I really would change soon. But does it ever really change? This is another thing I don’t think I will ever know. Hum… I just don’t know. I wish I could just walk down to his room and grab him and kiss him and he would wrap me in his strong army boy arms and kiss me back. Ha I can only wish. I think I have ruined it forever. I don’t think there is turning it back into what it was. Man I really hate this. To top all this off. I have been thinking about my ex and that is driving me crazy. What life right now would be like if we had gotten married. I work with this guy who crazyingly reminds me so much of him. It scares me I don’t like it. I am not attracted to the guy I work with don’t think that. Its just he is goofy and sort of looks like Tyler. I wish I could talk to him. I wish all my wishes could come true. Ok ok well not all but the ones that sound nice like this boy liking me again or someone else staying instead of leaving. The boy who is leaving took me to class 6 yesterday and on the way back he just drove around and around. It was really really nice. OMG just to be in a car with someone like him. I know I like boy #2 much more but I also like boy #1. I cant help that. Like I have stated before I liked boy #1 first but I didn’t know that he felt the same way and then boy #2 came into the picture. Well anyhow we were in the car yesterday and just to drive around in a car I love it but the fact that it was with him it made it even nicer. If I hear this is just my luck one more time coming from a guys mouth I am going to scream. I really am. Damn it I wish Jug was here so bad I don’t think anyone could ever understand that one.
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11/21/2007
The sun in my world has gone astray
The clouds although have shown themselves in
My home is miles and miles away
My family and friends we are separated by time
Their lives go on as where mine seems to stand still
I want my sun to come back and brighten my world
I want the clouds to get lost and never come back
I want to go home
I want to be on the same timeline as my friends and family
Home is where the heart is home is where I belong
Who was I to think that I belong in a world like this
Where going more than a certain amount of miles
Can ruin your reputation
Where there are no sick days just sick calls
Where there is no fuck off boss I quit
Where if you do something wrong you are made to write essays like high school
What kind of world is this?
I wish my sun would come back but it just stays hidden
I try blowing the clouds away but they just keep finding their way in
I just don’t get anything anymore. Why the hell am I like this. I really do not understand how the hell I turned out his way. I am “chillin” with this guy who is completely fucking a couple peoples lives up. He has told stories about how he has fucked other peoples lives up. I don’t know if I want to be with a guy who may fuck my life up if things don’t turn out the way he thought it would or if things don’t end the way he wanted them to. I don’t know. I am so fucking confussed right now I don’t even know. I don’t even know I just want to fucking go home so bad. I hate this place. I hate Germany. I hate this company I hate everything right now I even hate myself.
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1/21/2007
What is wrong with me why do I always fall for that type. Why cant I find someone who is god for me and stick with him. I should have never asked him to come over I don’t even know what I was thinking. I wanna go home I don’t want to be here anymore. God I just wanna go home but the only way I can is to get chaptered and I can not do that! Sgt purett said something about getting married to someone in the states and the only two that I could think of would be tyler and jake but jake isn’t back yet. And I don’t see him goin through with it. Why cant he just fight for me. If I am what he wants than why cant he show that for fighting to get me back. He doesn’t even act like he wants me back. I can see where he is coming from because honestly who would want someone that sounds like godsey. I know I wouldn’t. I wish someone were here just anyone. Just so I could leave and just be away from my room for a minute. i just wish i could run away like he did. and forget these fucking problems but oh no wait i have to lug my problem around for ten months. Whereas he can just up and leave at any point in this. Lucky him!
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10/13/2007
What is a first name. I am lost in a world where they are rarely used. Everyone tries to be there own person but once your name gets brought up some think of another with your name. I really miss first names. One of my closest friends will say my name and then I don’t respond. What is it with the army change and forming people soldiers to who they werent before they were in the army? I mean don’t get my wrong I really like who I have become and still am becoming. I don’t know what it is but I am so much more confident in the army than I am in the real world. I have been here in mannheim germany for almost two months now and I have gone from one to another guy. I don’t like this change for me. I am in this unknown and unannounced relationship with this amazing boy. I hardly knew this boy and I asked him to watch out for me and what did he do… yes he watched out for me more than I thought he would. I thought it would be a one night thing but it has gone on like that for nearly two months. I love it and I really really like him. We introduce each other as brother or sister to others haha. I was a afraid that my little girl crush was just that a little girl crush. Ha no it isn’t just a little girl crush. There are feelings coming from both sides and I have learned from my mistakes in the past that I am not going to screw this one up. I have just wanted someone to watch out for me and protected me for so long and I have found him. It isn’t just that he protects me but his personality and sense of humor is so young and
