I wanna go home more than I think anyone could ever know. Right is a moment I just really need to bed in bed with jug and having one of our amazing so easy to understand conversations. What the hell did I do I find myself asking again. This time is not because of my job but because of my family back home. I miss home so so so so much. I just wanna talk to someone back home. No I NEED to talk to someone back home. I cant believe I am gonna be away for Christmas. I really really do believe I made a HUGE mistake coming active. I always knew I was too family orentied to do this. I thought I could learn to adjust and for the most part I have but when it comes to calling home its just to damn hard I wanna cry every time I hear kealey’s little baby voice and I hate so much that I am missing so much back home. Kealey growing up and the boys. I just hate that I have no one hear like Jordan to talk to. I keep finding myself searching for someone like her but I realize it is pointless and I should just give up. I wanna go home so bad. Everything I hated back home I find myself missing. I cant believe I did this and I don’t mean that is a good way at all. This is a great opportunity yet I hate it. I am in germany for christ sake. I always thought the army was amazing but yet again I was wrong. I just wanna have someone from home talk to me. I don’t care about what just anything just to hear their voice again. Oh my god I need that so bad but I cant I hate that. I should never done this. I cant wait for my three years to be over so I can go home for good. I cant be away for any longer. I have been here for 5 months and listen to me. The one thing I was 110% sure about and I just shoved it outta the way for something I thought was better. I should have never left my family like that. At times like this I find my self thinking about aunt. What would she have thought about all this. I can tell you this if she were still alive I would have never left. God I wish she were here right now. Everyone talks about her but it still kills me inside to talk about her. Why did she have to go she was suppose to be old and seem all over her grandbabies getting married. Why did she leave why did god think it was her time I don’t get it. I just don’t understand. God damn it I need to go home. But I wonder if that would be a good idea to go home on leave. I would just leave and then what nothing more but to be back there. God damn I hate feeling like this. But I just think of everyone back home and I just don’t know. It just happens. It is hard because I just cant stop thinking about them and forget them they are my family. God damn I really wish aunt were here right now. Why isn’t she I will never understand that. It really pisses me off to think about it. She had so much more to see. She had everything. Hum… I really wish I could get a hold of someone. I hate this feeling. This sick to your stomach don’t know what to do about it. Yea no idea. I also find myself thinking so much of tyler. I don’t get that one at all. I mean yea I understand that he was my first love and all but I mean come on. Why do I have to think about him so much. I mean is it normal to wonder what it would have been to be married right now. Would we have started the family we wanted? Where would we be right now? I miss him. He knew me so well and he could be across the room and just come and hug me because he knew I was upset set or that I wanted to be near him. I find it really hard to be with a guy because I get upset when they don’t do that. I hate it. I miss tyler like crazy and then again I hate him for fucking up and causing us not to get married. I say he was such a bad guy but damn it he made a mistake. I have made many in my short life and look people have forgiven me right, if not completely the have gotten over it to the point where we are normal. I must have done something really fucked up to piss him off because now he wont even talk to me. I have messaged him and messaged him and nothing. I don’t know if it is brandy’s doing or if I just did something wrong I don’t know. I wish I could go back like four months ago. I miss that so much. I mean I wish I could back a long time before that but I am here and this is what I wish could happen. Everything just sorta feel into place. I had a amazing person I could just talk to about everything and anything and they would just sit there and listen and then put in their two cents when right. Their hugs were amazing and comforting. I miss that. I fucked up and it is sort of getting back to where it is so werid to be around them but it has completely gotten back to normal. I just really really really really need to go home for at least one night and two days. The days I would spend at home and the night I would spend a Jordans for one of out liule nights. Damn it I want to sleep but I have so much to say and no one to say it to. I have always been to sort of person that keeps EVERYTHING bottled inside until I just cant take it anymore and then things just exploded and then there is no stopping them. Believe me I have tried. So here I sit typing almost everything I wanna say. ALMOST everything!!!! I wish I could just write what I am feeling again I havent written anything for so long it sort of feels unknown to me now. Another thing I dislike. I am finding a lot of that here. But isn’t that one reason I came here for. I do believe so. I came to find who I am and what I BELIEVE in. but I am just falling back into the same old routine of following instead of leading. I sometimes have a shit load of confidence and self esteem but then again there are times where ha I don’t know anything about myself who I am because I am not finding it. I should have never gone home after ait or I shouldn’t have stayed there as long as I did. I miss how confident and how much self esteem I had in ait. I thought I seriously was the shit. No no not in a bad sorta of way but I didn’t give a shit about anything except the people who I knew cared about me. I guess that is where I get fucked up and over here. I want to be that person again so bad that I trust to quickly and jump without thinking. I don’t understand why I am like that. I wish I could figure it out and another thing. I just wish I could tell people how I am feeling and not hold everything in. like tonight and well its been a minute. But I am “chillin” with someone and we are completely doing the whole couple thing to what the standards (sorta) of what I think a relationship is. PDA, intimacy, spending pretty much every moment together. You know. People are always asking me what is goin on with this guy. I care about him so much but sometimes I just don’t understand this “relationship” at all. I mean if you care about someone as much as you say and you spend pretty much all of your free time with this person then why not just be together. Unless you a) don’t care about this person in that way b) after a long relationship you just wanna play the field (but what I don’t get there is if you just want to play the field why start anything this serious with someone else. I fucking don’t understand if.) I understand it has to maybe do with the trust and not wanting to get fucked over thing but I mean come on again don’t start something you arent sure about. I know I know no one is ever 100 % sure about anything once you meet someone but I mean why jump into it. I don’t get it. Another thing I don’t get is why said person would leave the person they care alone to go talk to other people like someone did tonight. I think I am goin to go to the park and just walk by myself. I need to think some shit out tomorrow before I have to go to cq. Oh joy!!!! Not!
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12/14/2007